Until this Summer, I've been fooling myself. I've thought myself a follower of Jesus, when I actually was just a fan. I've done the obvious things that one does, like going to church, (every Sunday - that should give me bonus points right?) I do my devotions (pretty much every day...but the fact is I DO do them!) I don't swear, or get into drama. I have that I'm Christian on facebook. I put bible verses on facebook...people publicly know - people I don't even talk to - know that I'm a Christian. So why wouldn't I be a follower?
Well, now I can finally answer that for myself. I'm simply not a follower because that's all where my fandom ends. I'm not willing to sacrifice more. More as in...all of me. Everything. I've been happy to live and say to an extension, but that's all. Anything more, that could cause tension, or awkwardness, or sadness with the people around me, hasn't been worth losing in my mind. Those things like everlasting best friends and family aren't worth the pain I would have to endure.
In the last year, I've been getting some serious desires in my heart to live for God. And they were like small flickers burning low on a candle, slowly growing bigger and bigger. The flame was alive in my heart. But i couldn't seem to make it reality in my actions. I could never seem to satisfy the desires. They were unquenchable. Unrelenting. And it was undeniably frustrating. I couldn't figure it all out. It didn't matter how much I cried out to God about them. I knew God had put them there. So why wasn't anything happening?! I found myself praying the same prayer everyday. I wanted to live for God. He was surely pleased with that. But in the end, I realized I never actually gave Him my heart. Okay so all of me. I just told Him over and over the same things he already knew. But then I got it. I was asking the wrong question. The question wasn't, "why haven't you been doing anything?" It was, "Why wasn't I giving God everything?" Friends, if you don't give God your all, he can't use you. He doesn't want an ecstatic fan that wants to live for Him. He wants a revelation. He wants a full blooded follower.
It wasn't till after I got reading, Not a Fan by Kyle Idleman that this big mystery of the year in which I suffered was solved. The chapters were about diagnosing fandom and which one you might be. One of the last ones was, "Are you more focused on the Outside Than the Inside?"
When I read the title, I was positive that wasn't me. Yet I left a little open room open to just in case, and if I could learn anything from it. But as I got into it, I didn't get very far before I stopped, eyes starring, frozen. Oh my goodness, that's me! Suddenly, truth reverberated in my heart and head. Everything was connected. I could piece things together and the truth came ridiculously easy. I couldn't believe it. It was like God waited for this moment, counting down the days, hours, minutes. For the fun of it, I imagined him jumping up and down clapping His hands. And smiling. But that's not the end. I felt like a heavy fog was lifted from me. And with it, I felt an enviable freedom.
That sticky mask.
I didn't realize I had been living with a mask on. People didn't know me at school as that Christian girl who is really religious as they might say. But the thing is, Christianity isn't a religion, it's a choice and how we live for God. But anyway, my best friends didn't know I didn't go to dances anymore because it was wrong, and wholly ungodly. They just figured because they weren't always fun. Didn't know I didn't listen to any music that wasn't Christian. Or that I did devotions. And they most certainly didn't know about my desire to talk to the popular girl who I knew needed God. Or the people that everyone talked about behind their back. The desire was there every time. But you can't be a follower behind a facade. Ultimately, they really, really didn't know me. I was such a fake. I was behind a mask, afraid to be seen and judged for who I really was, and hurt them with the sacrifices I was openly ready to make to make a statement about my faith. About God.
It's incredibly hard, and hurting, to take that mask off. To reveal yourself. Everything that I had been hiding was all the good things best friends should know about me. I knew after they knew the truth, they would wonder who I really was. I asking for them to accept the polar difference. I was asking for them to accept ...the real me.The one they thought they knew.
Friends, wearing a mask that long blurs your vision. It gets too heavy to wear, and ruins you. Don't make the mistake of wearing one, only to realize it when it's too late and still have the stickiness, the after burn, to deal with. You may have true freedom. But there still is a price to pay. It's impossible to have desires that involve living for God and try doing that behind a facade. You can't be who you really are behind something your not. You have to choose.
